We never really grow up, we just learn how to act in public.

My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

He’s just a dog until he’s facing you; then he’s Mr. Dog.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

I can’t get enough minimalism.

If you see a turtle without a shell, is it homeless or just naked?

I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.

I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re okay now.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

He who laughs last, didn’t get the joke.

Why do they call them apartments when they’re all stuck together? 

The early bird may get the worm, but it’s the second mouse who gets the cheese.

Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.

I feel diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Atheism is non-prophet organization.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

I’m as busy as a one-legged riverdancer. 

Red meat isn’t bad for you.  Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you’re on.

The Lord giveth; the IRS taketh away.

I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired.

Don’t be superstitious, it’s bad luck.

I want you to loan me $20, but only give me half of it.  That way I owe you 10, you owe me 10, and we’re even.

The guy who invented Crest toothpaste recently passed away. His funeral was attended by 4 out of 5 dentists.

A pencil without lead would be pointless.

Some mornings I wake up grumpy.  Others I let her sleep.

There are two rules for success.  #1) Don’t tell everything you know.

I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

Even if you’re one in a million, there are still 10,000 people just like you in China.

The problem with mental notes is that the ink fades so quickly.

I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

The following sentence is the truth.  The previous sentence is a lie.

Heck is the place where people go that don’t believe in Gosh.

3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population.

I bet if you drive off a cliff you’re still going to hit those brakes on the way down.  Hey, better try the emergency break!

Dyslexics of the world untie!

In the 60’s we took LSD to make the world look weird. Now the world is weird, and we take Prozac to make it look normal.

I don’t think Saftey Dance is as safe as they made it out to be.

If con is the opposite of pro, does that mean Congress is the opposite of progress?

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Guns don’t kill people, it’s those darn little bullets.

Gravity – not just a good idea, it’s the law.

I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re okay now.

Never say never, always avoid always.

All generalizations are false.

Friends help you move; REAL friends help you move bodies.

My grandmother told me that unless you have something nice to say to someone, not to say anything at all.  Then she never spoke to me again.

In theory, practice and theory are the same.  In practice they are not.

Some people are so open minded their brains fell out.

Some people are like slinkies: not really good for anything, but you can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?  He sat up all night wondering whether or not there’s a dog.

I plan to quit procrastinating, I just haven’t got around to it yet.

5 out of 4 people have trouble with ratios.

My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

The optimist says the glass is half full, while the pessimist says it is half empty.  An engineer would tell you the glass is too large.

Dyslexics have more fnu.

If you line up all the cars in the world end to end, some idiot will try to pass them.

My grandfather had a farm, my dad had a garden, I have a can opener.